What Parents Get Wrong

Since my “What Engineers Get Wrong” post went viral I figured people are anxious for me to overgeneralize about other groups. Thus, a series is born. This is the second, back-to-school installment. The full title, “What Parents Get Wrong about Their Children’s Teachers”.

I received this letter from a teacher friend who was seeking my advice with in her words, “my current least favorite set of parents”.

The Least Favs wrote to my friend:

I am encouraged to read your statement in the newsletter that arrived today, that students “shouldn’t be afraid to say something if they need help,” because “C” does. He needs more challenges than you have been providing.

C is still not challenged in math.  From talking to him and following class work through homework, nothing seems to have changed since we brought this to your attention at the first parent teacher conferences and during two subsequent meetings. C still says “It is not that I know the material, but after we learn new stuff for a day or two it is pretty slow.” If you changed anything in the way you challenge the faster learners in your class neither C nor we noticed.  We do not see that you implemented any ideas we talked about, like more challenging text problems with the same underlying pre-algebra for the faster learners, or different homework options like the link to [another school] we sent you.

We would like to again explore solutions to make sure that C will be challenged for the final trimester. For us it is sad to see that his former favorite subject rarely make his eyes light up any more. The one time you offered alternative math homework, C had so much fun and walked us through his thoughts and discussed approaches with us. This is what we asked you about and are looking for! We are hoping that maybe drawing on others experience with highly gifted education and the curricula used at other schools will help us find solutions. Also, we would appreciate [the principal’s] mediation to this time come to a clear understanding about next steps.  We feel that after our last conversations, other than changing C’s class placement, which we appreciate, you did not follow up with us on letting us know which other options you explored.  This lack of communication leaves us with the impression that nothing has changed.

We would like to emphasize that C likes you as a teacher and that the way you explain things seems to work well for him.  It is solely the lack of challenges and the speed of learning that we perceive as a problem as well as the lack of communication with us as parents.

I’m giving the Least Favs a “C-” in teacher partnering and problem solving. It’s a flawed letter, but parents like this trounce ones who are asleep at the wheel. At least they’re engaged. I’m also giving them a few points for some positivity in paragraphs three and four.

My teacher friend was wrong for not communicating better with the Least Favs after the previous conference. The problem is the Least Favs use that against the teacher in a way that clearly suggests, “We’re in the right and you’re in the wrong,” instead of “Let’s find a way to meet in the middle and move forward together.”

Also problematic, the parents assume their child is gifted and yet their son admits “It’s not that I know the material. . . .” The student feels the pace is a little slow, but the parents don’t ask the teacher, “Is it possible to increase the pace?” They’re focusing exclusively on their child, who they believe, rightly or wrongly, is gifted. In contrast, the second year teacher is attempting to do her best for all of the students in the class. That’s one important thing parents get wrong, they assume secondary teachers, who typically interact with 100-150 students a day, are able to know their child well and individualize their curriculum and adjust their instructional pace for them. The very best can and do, but they’re the exception to the rule. Most teachers, especially new ones like my friend, teach to the middle to the best of their abilities.

Most problematic is the tone of the letter. Granted, as taxpayers the Least Favs pay the teacher’s salary, but teachers are human, and therefore parents are most effective when they seek common ground with teachers. Like trial lawyers, the Least Favs seem intent on winning an argument without any feel for what “winning” will cost in terms of the teacher’s sentiment towards them, and possibly their child.

Take aways or how to partner more effectively with teachers:

1) When communicating concerns with teachers, start positively. I suspect the first two paragraphs were like body blows; consequently, the positive points in paragraphs three and four were probably lost on my friend. Everyone is more receptive to constructive criticism after positive feedback.

2) Create good will by conveying reasonableness. Before pressing a teacher to differentiate their instruction, acknowledge that it’s “probably not very easy” to account for individual differences in background knowledge, skill, and aptitude.

3) Create positive momentum by honoring the teachers’ experience by asking “What have you or colleagues of yours done that’s worked in situations like this in the past?” The implication being “You’re a professional who can resolve the dilemma or partner with other teachers to resolve it.”

4) Create good will by conveying reasonableness. Instead of demanding follow up communication, say you’d appreciate some sort of follow up in the next few weeks. Increase the odds of a quick response by acknowledging that it’s “probably not very easy to communicate promptly with every parent every time something bubbles up.”

5) Ask what, if anything, you can do at home to also help improve the situation.

9 thoughts on “What Parents Get Wrong

  1. As both a former teacher and a parent of three children who were identified as gifted, I think you make really good points. I would have other advice for the parents about better ways to help their child get what he needs (assuming he has an IEP), but one point I would definitely make is that THIS IS A RIDICULOUSLY LONG NOTE! Have some consideration, people. No teacher has time to read such an obnoxious diatribe. If you have that much to say, it definitely needs to be in a phone call or a meeting. The fact that they expect all their expressed “needs” to be addressed through this one-way communication actually tells me they’re not all that engaged in their son’s learning. Oh, and I have a pretty strong hunch these are NOT parents I’d ever want to hang out with. Bleh.
    -Amy at http://www.momgoeson.wordpress.com

  2. “Ask what, if anything, you can do at home to also help improve the situation”

    Once I realized these were high maintenance parents who felt their child was exceptional, this was the first thing that crossed my mind.

    Another thought, and this would have to be dealt with delicately too, but if the teacher feels that the child is indeed truly gifted and would be better served by advanced training in some other class or even some other school, could she not make this recommendation to the Least Favs?

    • As it turns out, this was a school for “gifted” students. I use quotes because aren’t all students gifted in different ways? And that was a large part of my friend’s frustration, that the parents erroneously thought their child was more gifted than all the other students. Contrasting and conflicting perceptions.

  3. I’m sure the teacher could probably provide some insight about what the parents are doing wrong at home ;) I am definitely in favor of the partnership approach. When teachers have some insight into what happens at home and parents have insight into what happens at school and the two parties work towards a common goal the child must benefit. P.S I bet teachers would love a dollar for every parent that thinks their child is gifted.
    -Mandy at http://familiesoutdoors.wordpress.com

  4. Teach all kids to really high standards, and if “gifted” kids need more, let the parents find it for the kids. My brother was good at physics, so he just took classes at the local university when he was a junior in high school. Such options are even more accessible on line these days. You can’t satisfy everyone.

    • Dean, I can’t agree with that. The reason why identified gifted kids have an IEP is that they learn very differently than mainstream kids. They actually have needs that must be met in a different way than most of the class. It really is an exceptionality. So forcing parents/kids to find their own way of dealing with their needs is actually as wrong as forcing parents/kids dealing with learning disabilities or autism to figure out their own way to get their needs met.
      -Amy at http://www.momgoeson@wordpress.com

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