I’m hopelessly old fashioned, I still value the Fourth Amendment of the Constitution. So much so I’m intentional about staying one step ahead of the NSA. Here are my secrets. Using Snapchat-like technology, this post will disappear in thirty minutes.

First, when I learned the NSA was listening in to Angela Merkel’s phone conversations, I stopped talking on telephones.

Second, I stopped shopping at Target.

Third, like a Third World dictator, I rarely sleep in the same place. Here are some pictures from my current “trip”. I can’t tell you where I am, but see if you can piece it together with these visual clues.

4. Fourth, I’m bicoastal. By the time the NSA or you figure out what coast I’m on, I’ll be on the other.

5. I never, ever, ever write down my deepest thoughts, they just rattle around in my noggin. Here are some examples from my current trip:

• Baby sheep are adorbs.

• “Little lambs” is more alliterative.

• “Lambs” is more concise.

• The “X” Costco reminded me we are an immigrant nation.

• People who swim outdoors year round probably take it for granted.

• If your opening swim set is long enough, the sun will rise by the end of it.

• After a skittish deer trotted next to me while I cycled then effortlessly elevated and moved sideways over a barbed wire fence without taking her eyes off of me, I concluded deer are more athletic than Richard Sherman.

• The 49er are chokers.

6.  Unlike this store, I never advertise my beliefs.

In the vast emptiness of my noggin I believe the federal government’s meta data program is wrongheaded, but I will not be making a sign to that effect.

7. I never file federal taxes. 8. I maintain several different identities. 9. I shred whatever comes in the mail without opening it. And 10, I pay for everything with coins.