Vic postscript.

Back home as my application for citizenship was denied. The official explanation was two-fold.

First, I failed the “Field Test” by which they mean “Ice Test”. Anyone from the (dis)U.S.A. applying for citizenship has to skate end-end-to-end in under ten seconds. As I tightened the laces of my skates, I thought I could do it. Remember, I did skate at Kent State University weekly in the winters while living in Tallmadge, OH in primary school. Also, I thought if I could just channel Alysa Lui! You know, not focus on that red Canadian passport with the maple leaf on it, just use the test as an opportunity to express my bofo athleticism and joy. Should be easy peasy.

It took me 11 seconds.

Second, they wrote, “Applicant represents no real commercial value to the Canadian economy. Kinda a sadsack, spent most of his time moping around in his room. Mostly only exited the hotel to eat. Did try on a hoodie at Mountain Equipment Coop, but didn’t follow through on the purchase. Did take the business card of the artist exhibiting in the hotel’s cafe, but didn’t purchase any of her paintings.”

It seems to me they could’ve stopped after the first “no real commercial value” sentence. Didn’t have to get so personal. As if I don’t have any feelings.

Their closing statement left no wiggle room for a do-over. “It is our conclusion that he is a shit skater and consumer with little of value to add to Canada.”

That said, I will return Vic. And do better. Promise.