Paragraph to Ponder

Posted on by
1

From a longer piece titled “Things I Want to Tell My Mom on Mother’s Day” by Jeanette Byrnes.

“When I developed severe OCD in 8th grade, you found me a therapist immediately. You explained to me what was going on in my brain. You explained that my OCD was separate from me, and that having OCD wasn’t my choice. You helped me make sense of a debilitating mental illness at the tender age of 13. As OCD made my world smaller and smaller, you fought it with me, tooth and nail, every day. For a year you took me to therapy, you did my homework with me, you wrote me notes of encouragement, and you sat on the floor with me as I sobbed, tortured by my brain chemistry. These were some of the most painful days of my life, and you were my safety. You made a terrifying experience less terrifying. You gave me the tools I needed to recover. What a gift you gave me.”

Where would she be, I wonder, if her mom hadn’t sat on the floor with her?

Maybe Not So Great An Idea?

Posted on by
Reply

In light of my most recent example of knuckleheadedness, a faithful PressingPauser was moved to write me. “. . . let me discourage you from jumping off a bridge into polluted water.  This is in the category of photoshopping a picture of oneself dressed up like the pope.”

“More a reflection of feeling trapped,” I replied, “than just my baseline stupidity.”

Caring for my ailing wife day in and day out also has me daydreaming about taking some walks. I’ve been spending some of the rare quiet moments researching the Appalachian Trail, the Camino, and the Te Araroa. With a small backpack and no fixed timeline.

Mostly what I long for is what Jeanette wanted Saturday evening after watching Alison’s high maintenance pup for a week while she was in Chicago. No responsibility.

Nobody depending upon me for anything. For a long time. In the hope of healing.

A Great Idea

Posted on by
2

Our newish house sits atop a hill on the edge of downtown Olympia. Which is really nice when starting a run because gravity helps get you in the groove. But not nearly as nice when ending a run or long, hard ride.

Don’t tell Travis, but sometimes, like Friday afternoon, I pull the plug early or mid-hill and walk it in. I was so spent at the end of my wee 5 miler, I leaned on the bridge to collect myself before starting the uphill walk home.

And that’s when it came to me. The great idea. To jump off the bridge into the southernmost part of the Puget Sound sometime this summer. Being hot and sweaty prob contributed to this genius.

I’m sure it’s illegal, but how bad could the consequences be? The height of the jump is flexible depending upon how far up one goes on the bridge, and to a lesser degree, the tide. I’m thinking mid-bridge at high tide to make sure there’s ample water underneath. I’ll plant a second pair of shoes onshore and prob leave my original shoes on the bridge before going airborne.

I see one problem besides the inevitable fame that will follow from the jump. The Puget Sound’s southernmost water is polluted, so much so, the shore is dotted with “No swimming” signage. But it’s not like I’m going to linger. In and out in a few minutes. Shower off. And hope to live another day.

The only thing more bad ass than this plan would be just doing it without telling anyone. So, please, if you will, strike this post from the record.

Silver Linings

Posted on by
3

If I press pause long enough to reflect on my wife’s Multiple Systems Atrophy, and the toll it is taking on her and us, it’s almost too much to bear. So I tend not to. Yes, you’re right, of course it will catch up with me eventually. Right now, cue the cliche, it’s one task and one day at a time.

Even though I resist completely coming to a stop, I do sporadically slow down enough to take account of ways that I’ve changed as a result of our travails.

There are some silver linings.

For example, I have become a much better cook. Am I a good cook? The Gal Pal says I am, but I don’t know. All I know is I’m a lot more confident in the kitchen. My repertoire has expanded and we eat healthily.

I’ve also adopted more of a contractor’s mindset towards life. After we bought our current crib, we contracted with our builder to make some accommodations for the Good Wife. We threw in a cut-out for a t.v. and a bath tub for good measure. As a result, I got to know the builder and I was blown away by how calmly he went about problem solving. I was always afraid to bring up a problem, but he anticipated them, and rolled with them, immediately shifting to solutions. In fact, from watching and working with him, I realized that all contracting consists of is identifying problems, prioritizing them, and solving them. Full stop. Without drama or fanfare.

That’s not a bad approach to life. Being mechanically challenged, I’ve almost always freaked out whenever something breaks or doesn’t work as it should. Now, not so much. I think to myself. “This can be fixed. How can I fix it?”

And just as I’ve grown more confident in the kitchen, my home project bonafides have shot up from zero, to I don’t know, something more than zero. Just yesterday, I completed a home project that pre-MSA Ron would’ve never dreamed to attempt.

Long story short. Our Mitsubishi heat pumps came with nice digital thermostats on the second floor and mind numbingly bad remote controls on the first. By which I mean, the Japanese team that designed the user interface of the remotes should be brought before the International Court of Justice and slapped around.

So I did some research. And then bought and installed new digital thermostats on the main floor. Which entailed finding the circuit boards in each heat pump and attaching wireless dongles to the CN105 ports.

But like Rors after making birdie on 15 (shoulda been another eagle) on Sunday, I had too much momentum to stop there. Recently, I learned about apps that enable users to control heat pumps from their phones and said to myself, “Lets swing for the fence.” I know what you’re thinking. Then Ron channeled Rors on 13 and inexplicably dumped his wedge into the creek when he had the WHOLE FREAKING green as a backstop.

Not today friends. I bought second dongles only to learn I then needed to purchase splitters and then I had to connect everything to the circuit board and the dongles to the wireless network. Let’s just say when Olga came to my office this morning and said to me, “Can you turn off the heat in the kitchen, it’s too warm?” I said, “Sure, let me get my phone and PRESTO heat off.”

Felt like I hit a walk off homer. Or at least what I imagine that feels like.

DanDantheTranspoMan and Las Vegas had the odds of me succeeding on this project as the same as the Trump administration coming up with a coherent economic plan.

But sometimes miracles happen.

I Drive A Tesla (E)

Posted on by
1

Hi, my name is Ron, and I drive a Tesla.

I’ve labelled this “explicit” because DanDanTheTranspoMan is the last person in the room with some semblance of clean cut, Midwest values. And he doesn’t like it when I write like George Carlin talked.

I bought a red Model Y with a tow hitch for the two-wheelers two years ago. The frictionless purchase process makes you wonder why anyone ever subjects themself to the conventional dealer experience. Brilliant.

And it’s outstanding transpo. Utterly amazing. There are are innumerable things to criticize the CEO (in name) about, but those who criticize the cars are being disingenuous.

Two weeks in, I somehow avoided a crash in Bend, OR as a result of one of the computers which stopped the car much more quickly than I could’ve. I also dig how it silently and ever so smoothly and slowly creeps in and around parking lots and in inner city Oly. With the home charger, it’s always ready for a good time. And it’s a fast motherfucker.* Rest assured, I’ll never be pinched in entering the fwy.

Of course, there are a few downsides. The insurance costs. The automatic wipers have a mind of their own, so much so, I have to manually set them. Oof, and most especially, the depreciation.

Oh, and I almost forgot, there’s the enriching of one of the most loathsome of the 8.062 billion people alive today.

And the increasing grief that comes with being associated with him. Which just recently started with this winsome greeting from a fellow driver, “You fuckin’ douche bag.” I told friends, I didn’t recognize him, but he obviously knew me! And yesterday, a woman on the other side of the road flipped me the bird.

Normally, being a modern, sensitive guy and all, these “greetings” would leave a mark. But these are not normal times. Both times I was picking up prescriptions at the pharmacy for my ailing wife. Caring for her has changed me. What constitutes a problem keeps getting redefined. The bar, for what gets to me, keeps getting raised.

The other day, on a cycling reprieve, I got soaked in much more rain than I had anticipated. I thought to myself of the revered philosopher, Jay-Z, and his “99 Problems” treatise.

Ninety-nine problems, but a bitch ain’t one
If you’re havin’ girl problems, I feel bad for you, son
I got ninety-nine problems, but a bitch ain’t one – hit me!

I’ve got ninety-nine problems, but being soaked, cold, and filthy ain’t one I thought to myself.

Maybe that’s why I laughed to myself when the rando woman flipped me the bird yesterday at the Fifth Street circle.

Then I thought I should probably prepare for the next encounter and the next. My plan is to channel the restaurant or Airbnb owners when they get scathing reviews. Something along the lines of, “I am sorry my car purchase has angered you so much. But thank you very much for your feedback. Please know I will take your middle finger and/or invective into consideration as I work to be a better person.”

No doubt my mix of zen and humor will disappear if and when my car is vandalized. If I parked it downtown with any regularity, there’s no doubt that would happen sooner than later. I have a $1k deductible, so fuck you in advance.

So maybe I should trade it in for something more socially acceptable. Which of course, doesn’t solve the larger problem. Still, in prep for that possibility, please let me know which carmakers you approve of so I may avoid offending you in the future.

*Now that DDTTM isn’t over shoulder, I feel freed up.

People Are Cheering Fifteen Percent?

Posted on by
3

My writing about my family’s experience with Lynn’s Multiple Systems Atrophy has resonated with a lot of people here and on our CaringBridge site.

A recurring theme is they appreciate the “honesty”. And how I sometimes use humor to lighten things. And many of my readers, like me, are also “on the back nine” and so final chapters are more relevant than if I had a younger, hipper readership.

Honestly though, the “honesty” feedback perplexes me because I feel like I’ve only been able to paint about 15% of the picture. There’s way more that I’m leaving out than I am including.

But maybe, everything really is relative, and people are used to even far less transparency?

Of course, it’s impossible to perfectly quantify how much someone lets their readers in. Just know, when you listen, read, or watch anyone’s story, there’s always way, way more to it. Always.

Why aren’t you and I more forthright with others? More vulnerable? More honest especially about what’s most difficult. And about our related, negative emotions?

As a male, I have the excuse of not having been encouraged to communicate my emotions growing up. But I’m sure that’s true for boatloads of women too. And so that’s a lousy explanation that really doesn’t get at my reticence to be more honest.

Another explanation that I’ve touched on previously is not knowing how to be more honest without compromising others’ privacy. Hell, the picture I included with the last post, I got in trouble for it. Because it was a “tender moment”. Which is exactly why it was such a good picture. So there’s that. Lynn didn’t want me to share her tenderness with you. So what’s a writer to do?

Maybe, if I outlive her, and the odds in Vegas are that I will, I’ll be freed up to paint far more of the picture. Even 16-17%.

Women For The Win

Posted on by
1

My wife’s debilitating illness has given me a front row seat to a profound gender dynamic. A dynamic that informs today’s mostly mindless discussion of masculinity.

First, even before we dive in, let me muddy the water a little. Some men, albeit small in number, are superseding the ways males are typically raised.

Cases in point. When we moved into the new crib 11 months ago, Travis, unannounced, showed up with dinner for us on the first, exhausting night. A few weeks ago, Michael dropped in with (amazing) carrot cake and two loaves of Wagner’s (amazing) cinnamon bread. Allen (okay, sure with Patty’s help) baked dinners and drove over hill and valley to lighten our fall when I was teaching. Brian fills Lynn’s hummingbird feeder and repairs her recumbent.

National Public Radio ran on oddly common story on it’s website last week about a dying woman who needed lots of home care. A female friend of the woman ended up singlehandedly providing most of it until the very end.

I would’ve placed the odds of the woman’s key caregiver being female at 95%.

Almost exclusively, my wife’s female friends have taken action. The men in our orbit, on the other hand, have almost always offered sympathetic words. One close male friend recently sent me an email in which he said, “Let me know if I can do anything to help.” That, as it turns out, is the male default. It’s safe. A way to maintain distance. A sure-fire way to not be too bothered.

To my “one close male friend” who I hope isn’t going to read this, I need so much help I don’t even know how to start articulating it.

Most women, in my recent experience, don’t wait around for a guidebook on how to help, content not to receive it. Instead, a larger proportion of them move towards people in need.

Joan heard Lynn say she wasn’t enamored with the industrial gray plasticware I purchased on-line for her. So she showed up one day with much spiffier tumblers. Vivian routinely shows up unannounced with soup and gets down on her knees and huddles with Lynn when her body shuts down. She doesn’t really bother to email or text, she just appears at the door.

I watch Little Chris during one of her regular visits and tell her, “Man, you are so skilled and comfortable at meeting Lynn exactly where she is. It’s a beautiful thing.” She proceeds to tell me that when she was in high school, she cared for a housebound woman every day after school for a few years. And how formative that experience was. I don’t know if Little Chris had a brother of similar age, but if she had, I’m 95% sure her parents would not have suggested him for the job.

We expect girls and women to be nurturing as if they’re somehow uniquely built for it. We give boys and men a pass in the form of exceedingly low expectations. And so most males don’t develop that wonderful female instinct to act. Not to wait to be told how to help, just to show up. To look ailing people in the eyes. To hold their hands. To help them get undressed and dressed. To feed them. To console them. Until the end.

More men will be more hands-on caregivers when we expect boys to be more nurturing. Absent that expectation, women will continue do the vast majority of kind-hearted caregiving.

Uphill Finish

Posted on by
5

On a website called “CaringBridge”, I’m writing occasional updates on the Good Wife’s Multiple Systems Atrophy for a growing list of family and friends from near and far.

What follows is this week’s CaringBridge update.

One of my favorite bike rides is super challenging. And hella scenic. The boys and I, starting near Widgi Creek Golf Course in Bend, Oregon, spend the morning climbing up to Mount Bachelor and then midday circumnavigating it. It’s 85 miles in total, but when it comes to the day’s nutrition/hydration/grit, I prep for 72ish because the last 13 or so are all downhill, sometimes even with a tailwind.

I wanted to live out life with Lynn just like the Bachelor ride. Spending the final segment, having real fun, aimless, with the wind in our (fading) hair, enjoying ourselves, without much effort. We saved money, I unplugged from work, and Century Drive stretched out before us.

In my warped/idealized vision of unreality.

Now, I’m so sad to report, our collective ride is ending not with a grin inducing downhill, but with a major climb. Into a headwind, with plummeting temps, even hail. Think Italy’s Stelvio Pass.

If I had known we’d have to confront a hugely challenging curveball at some point in our story, I would’ve chosen an earlier chapter. Fo sho. But wasn’t given the option.

There’s too much to do to feel sorry for myself. I can and do feel very sorry for Lynn though.

One of Alison’s friends from high school died recently at exactly half of Lynn’s age.

That tragic event made me appreciative of the length of our ride, but I’m still extremely sad about Lynn’s daily challenges.

In short, things are going from rough to rougher. She’s sleeping more, her voice continues to fade, and her body completely shuts down about once a day.

But her mind and loving spirit remain intact. And for that, we’re grateful.