Tag Archives: romance

All The Feels In The VAC

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The Victoria Athletic Club is a smallish, but nice fitness center underneath the Hotel Grand Pacific.

My first widowed travel decisions have left a lot to be desired. Trip two is turning out to be like cognitive behavioral therapy, real belly of the beast grief shit. Last night, on the way to the Fish Market for a halibut burger and very large fries, I kept thinking of all the restaurants that dotted the way that the GalPal and I ate at.

This morning, sitting atop a bike in the VAC, I see visions of her in the pool area. Then remember our lap swim routine where she’d start out swimming in the lane next to me, but then lay in wait under the lane line waiting to see what she could grab as I went by. The second or third time, I’d pull up and say, “DUDE, STOP! I’m trying to workout!” And. She’d. Flash. Her. Smile. Which was her way of saying, “You know you like it.” No more VAC horseplay. No more smile. Ever.

Silver lining. At this rate, I’ll be done grieving in no time, and be fine. Right?

The bike I rode was parked right outside the glass encased squash court. While spinning, I watched a woman, guessing early 70s, do the most badass core routine, on a mat, on the empty squash court, I have ever seen. Pushups, every dead bug variation known to humankind, bridges, and on and on. She’d get up, walk out of the court, over to the pull up bar and rip off a bunch of pull ups. Grab a dumb bell, return, and get after it with more core exercises. This went on and on. I was so intrigued I wanted to chat her up, but there was no way, she was locked in! Each time she approached the door, I thought to myself, okay, this is it, she’s gonna make eye contact. Wrong.

I think to myself, it’s really not fair that a 70-something woman can be THAT fit when, what seems like yesterday, I was pushing 64 year old Lynn around the Plum St YMCA weight room in her wheelchair. Helping her on and off machines and giving her 2.5 pound dumbells to do bicep curls.

Fortunately, no one noticed the anonymous American cyclist tearing up on the bike. Which was good because crying would inevitably sink my application for citizenship. This is a country where people bodycheck one another against the boards. Routinely. I think the official national policy is, “No crybabies allowed.”

Foo’s Carmel Chicken with Asian Greens for the win.

Why Not?

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Inner peace is elusive the more we try to control others. True contentedness results from relinquishing control over other people’s thoughts and behaviors.

That’s what I’m in the process of learning. Am I half way? Who the hell knows. All I know is I will never arrive at the Total Acceptance train station.

When Lynn was diagnosed with Multiple Systems Atrophy and the symptoms started taking over our lives, I had unusual clarity about what I wanted to provide her in whatever time was left. I said to her, “I want this final chapter of your life to be as calm and comfortable as possible.”

As it has turned out, what I wanted was totally irrelevant. Her thought process was completely different, saying through her actions, “I want to ignore this diabolical disease to the best of my ability and maintain as much normalcy for as long as possible.”

Which makes caring for her so much more difficult. She’s always been uber-considerate and kind to a fault. Now though, her preternatural consideration is getting squelched by widespread atrophy. The lack of dopamine in her brain is wreaking havoc on her body and mind. I have to remind myself she’s not making a difficult situation more difficult on purpose. It’s brain chemistry.

A few examples. Six months ago or so, after dinner, I was able to say to her, “I’m going upstairs to read in the bath. I’ll be back down in one hour. Sit tight until then.” One fall night while I was decompressing in hot water, the bathroom door slowly opened. “What the hell!” No one else was home. Lynn entered on all fours. She had wheeled herself to the base of the stairs, gotten out of her wheelchair, and crawled up the stairs and across the t.v. room into the bathroom. Because she “wanted to see what the upstairs looked like now”. It wasn’t pretty getting her back downstairs.

A couple of nights ago, she appeared in my peripheral vision as I was watching basketball in the office. “WHAT are you doing?!” “Crawling.” “Why?!” “Why not?”

“Why not” is her philosophy.

Yes, you’re right, her stubborn resistance to the disease’s progression is better than giving up on life, but man oh man, I wish I could get her to accept the ways her body is failing her. At least a little bit.

But I can’t. And the more I accept that she gets to decide how to live out her final chapter, the better for both of us.

Who are you trying to control? How? When will you throw in the towel? The sooner, the better.