Tag Archives: satire

It Was a Good Week

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A sign that you may be slipping. You can’t find where you wrote about our need for more fist fights in the humble blog’s archive.

Everyone’s lamenting the decline of the (dis)United States this week all because one Congressman allegedly elbowed another in the kidney and one Senator proposed fighting the Teamsters President during a formal hearing after the Teamsters President called the Senator a “clown” and “fraud” on social media before adding, “You know where to find me. Anyplace, anytime cowboy.”

That is good stuff. But it got even better.

The Senator replied, “Sir, this is a time. This is a place. You want to run your mouth? We can be two consenting adults — we can finish it here.”

I like the emphasis on both parties consenting. There has to be some sort of code. Fisticuffs should never be forced.

“OK, that’s fine. Perfect,” the Teamster President responded.

“Well, stand your butt up then,” Senator taunted, with Teamster President telling Senator to do the same.

Then, it was all RUINED by a Vermont Socialist who went all schoolmarm on his colleague.

Here’s what Senator Byrnes would’ve said if he was chairing the hearing.

“Thank you for not shooting at each other and risking not just your lives, but innocent bystanders lives. We should all take pride in the fact that no one died here today. Thank you to the gentleman from Oklahoma and the gentleman from the International Brotherhood for illustrating that some forms of violence are better than others. Similarly, we should all show some gratitude to the Former Speaker for opting to elbow his colleague in the kidney instead of shooting him. Clearly, we are evolving, maybe not as fast as some would like, but evolving all the same.”

Crimes Against The Written Word

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You would think inciting a violent insurrection designed to overturn a fair and free election would disqualify one from running for office again.

And if not that, then calling for a shorter, more election conspiracy-friendly Constitution.

And if not that, the Former Guy’s capitalization and quotation errors seal the deal. In fact, they are enough by themselves to lock him up and throw away the keyboards.

Now Hiring

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Tweet to ponder.

This is one of the Former Guy’s better ideas. We all lack self esteem and could use more positivity in our lives. In fact, I’m going to adopt this practice. So I’m now hiring. Since I’m not quite the public figure the Former Guy is, I will expect more direct positive reinforcement especially when on the golf course.

If you think you can say, “Great shot Ron, that tree had no business being there, the course architect is a sad (sick) person.” Or “Amazing round Ron, so much winning, the LIV Tour should sign you.” Then please apply. There’s no actual compensation, but being in my presence is priceless.

Sometimes I Can Only Muster The Strength To . . .

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. . . read headlines. Recently, I’ve been diagnosed with “CEFS” or Current Events Fatigue Syndrome.

Some recent headlines are funny enough that I don’t even have to read the article. My spirit is already lifted.

I Became Extremely Hot In The Pandemic. My Husband Did Not.

Okay, so maybe I didn’t read it because I was afraid the Good Wife wrote it.

Some recent headlines are so cringe-worthy I can’t bring myself to read the article. This is CEFS in action. In increasing order of cringe:

Misinformation Is A Pandemic That Doesn’t Have A Headline

Tie for First. . .

Election Offices And School Board Meetings Could Become Weapons-free Zones In Washington

Report: World’s 10 Richest Men Doubled Their Wealth During COVID Pandemic

And sometimes since I know how the story is going to turn out, it’s unnecessary to read on.

Help! My Husband Throws Away My Things Without Asking In The Name of “Minimalism.”

Dude’s wife divorces him. He moves into an apartment a few steps below the one he lived in during college. Can’t afford any real furniture to speak of, any art, anything. Shortly thereafter, dies from loneliness in his minimalist “paradise”.

Okay, so maybe I didn’t read that because I was afraid the Gal Pal may have authored it as well.

“Don’t Look Up”

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A close friend asked my opinion on Netflix’s newest BIG budget film with an all-star cast.

Before watching “Don’t Look Up” I heard some of the buzz including the fact that half of people loved it and half hated it.

I’m firmly in the first camp, in fact, it’s easily among my favorite films of the year, if not the very best. At first, as I sat on my indoor bike as the credits rolled, I couldn’t imagine what the negative nellies were thinking, then it dawned on me. The film is a brilliant, hilarious satire of popular culture, but especially of our political landscape’s right wing. For the Pro-Trump, anti-vax, “Make America Great Again” viewers it had to have hit WAY too close to home. As is written in the Torah, “We see things not as they are, but as we are.”

At almost two and half hours, one reviewer who liked it said it was too long. He’s wrong, there are no lulls, it’s non-stop searing social commentary from the drop.

It’s also scary as hell. Not because of the asteroid heading towards earth, but because it feels like a highly credible glimpse into our near-term future as a deeply divided nation. The filmmakers predict our future is one where exorbitantly wealthy and deeply flawed individuals have a disproportionate effect on public life; politicians and scientists are powerless in light of those individuals; and things go from bad to worse with regards to social and traditional media.

Is it too late to emigrate to Canada? Is the border between our countries a sufficient defense against the downward spiral depicted in “Don’t Look Up”?

Some on Twitter would take exception to me labeling it a satire. They’re arguing it’s a science fiction film since Leonardo DiCaprio is married to an “age-appropriate” woman.

Must maintain a sense of humor.

‘Not Paying Taxes Makes Me Smart’

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I received a letter from my uni’s CFO—Creative Financial Officer—who earned his degree from Trump University. He said there was good and bad news.

The bad news. . . I’m not going to be paid my normal salary anymore. The good news . . . the university is going to provide me with a car, a Parkland pied de terre, and some petty cash for weekly dining at Marzanos.

Good Luck With That

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Mr. President, Sir, It’s Time to Do What’s Best for the Country by Resigning and Never Speaking Again.

Great last paragraph:

“Detractors may point out that we have called on Donald Trump to resign four times this year already and that it won’t work because he doesn’t read Slate and is not a fan of the ‘ideas journalism’ sector in general. Those detractors are traitors to the United States and President Pence should arrest them.”

I’m Not A Political Consultant

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But I could be. Imagine if Trump’s campaign was a bit more inclusive and I was hired to advise on messaging and strategy.

The incessant attacks on Biden’s character are a dead-end. A lot of Republicans fret about his probable policies, but they also know deep down, he’s a decent person. And human decency counts now more than ever. Instead, focus on real threats to American life by tweeting this out:

It’s grossly unfair that college professors have lifetime job security and an all-time great President has to reapply for his job after only four years.

Then just sit back and watch the “likes” and retweets.

And here’s how you blunt the criticism that the President hasn’t clearly communicated what he hopes to accomplish in a second term. Again, tweet this:

Authoritarianism. Just try it. What have you got to lose?

The first two-thirds of that would also make an excellent bumper sticker and pin.

Weeks ago, I also would’ve insisted on placing a voting box at every truck stop and boat ramp in Florida.

And lastly, that 400-person White House party planned for tonight, I’d trim that guest list by about 396 people.