Last one. Promise.
Tag Archives: humor
“Don’t Look Up”
A close friend asked my opinion on Netflix’s newest BIG budget film with an all-star cast.
Before watching “Don’t Look Up” I heard some of the buzz including the fact that half of people loved it and half hated it.
I’m firmly in the first camp, in fact, it’s easily among my favorite films of the year, if not the very best. At first, as I sat on my indoor bike as the credits rolled, I couldn’t imagine what the negative nellies were thinking, then it dawned on me. The film is a brilliant, hilarious satire of popular culture, but especially of our political landscape’s right wing. For the Pro-Trump, anti-vax, “Make America Great Again” viewers it had to have hit WAY too close to home. As is written in the Torah, “We see things not as they are, but as we are.”
At almost two and half hours, one reviewer who liked it said it was too long. He’s wrong, there are no lulls, it’s non-stop searing social commentary from the drop.
It’s also scary as hell. Not because of the asteroid heading towards earth, but because it feels like a highly credible glimpse into our near-term future as a deeply divided nation. The filmmakers predict our future is one where exorbitantly wealthy and deeply flawed individuals have a disproportionate effect on public life; politicians and scientists are powerless in light of those individuals; and things go from bad to worse with regards to social and traditional media.
Is it too late to emigrate to Canada? Is the border between our countries a sufficient defense against the downward spiral depicted in “Don’t Look Up”?
Some on Twitter would take exception to me labeling it a satire. They’re arguing it’s a science fiction film since Leonardo DiCaprio is married to an “age-appropriate” woman.
Must maintain a sense of humor.
Sprawled out on beach towels at bucolic Tolmie State Park, the twenty something daughters explain the concept of “clickbait” to their
Sexty Sixty momsie.
“I follow a photographer mom’s blog who often titles her posts something like “We’re Having A Baby. Just to get you to click on it. But then you quickly find out that they’re ‘talking about maybe having another baby sometime or not'”.
Which got me thinking about the humble blog. Given the late summer doldrums, maybe it needs a jolt of clickbait. Why fight the fake news, maybe I should just Sheryl Sandberg into it. So look for upcoming posts tentatively titled. . .
- My Brush With Death
- The President Called Me About Afghanistan
- I’m Starting My Own Business
- I Dunked On Rudy Gobert
- I Had Two Holes-In-One In One Round
- I Hacked Rate-My-Professor
- We’re Having A Baby
Shame On Me
For referencing this website. I promise it’s a one-off. This last paragraph is just too humorous.
“‘What gets me is the guts the guy had to just walk in like he belonged,’ said the security source. ‘He must have been a cool customer in the McKay Center. If he hadn’t tried to return punts at practice, he might still be out there because they might not have noticed him.'”
Saturday Long Run Press Conference
CNN reporter: Strava shows you ran 9.6 miles in 1:17 for an average of 8:02/mile. What would you say to the American people who are afraid that you’re getting old and slow, now nothing more than a sad “hobby jogger”?
Me: I say that you’re a terrible reporter, that’s what I say. I think that’s a very nasty question and I think it’s a very bad signal that you’re putting out to the American people that I’m older and slower. The American people are looking for answers and they’re looking for hope. And you’re doing sensationalism and the same with NBC and Concast. I don’t call it Comcast, I call it ‘Concast.’ That’s really bad reporting, you ought to get back to reporting instead of sensationalism.
OANN reporter: How do you run so far, so fast?
Me: I love whoever you’re with. Because that’s such a nice question. I think you write fairly and do very fair reports. A lot of people always ask me, how do you run so far, so fast? I tell them I don’t know, I guess I just have a natural ability.
NBC reporter: How would you assess today’s performance?
Me: When you hear the number of miles I’m running and the pace, it’s incredible. And I’ve heard a lot of governors say the same thing. People are saying I’m doing a great job, the best job anyone’s ever done.
FOX reporter: What makes you such an incredible runner?
Me: Really lots of things, but what no one gives me credit for is when I first heard we were running, I immediately jumped on the stationary bike and got the blood flowing against many people’s advice. No one reports that. But I did, I got right on the stationary bike. Many exercise scientists—and I’ve read, many, many exercise scientists—can’t believe the great job that I’m doing.
Rules For Couples
By Roz Chast and Patricia Marx in The New Yorker.
This one hits awfully close to home:
“Marriage is one of you secretly turning the thermostat up and the other secretly turning it down, and so on, and so on, until one of you dies.”
Kind Of A Waste
Sometimes I come across really talented writers who write about things of limited significance. I can’t help but imagine what they might accomplish if they traded up subject matter.
Case in point. Zach Lowe, ESPN Senior basketball writer. Dig his description of Denver Nugget Center Nikola Jokic‘s early season play.
“He is pouting more even by his mopey standards: waving his arms in frustration at inaccurate passes, and slapping opponents to stop play after what he considers bad calls.
We haven’t even addressed defense. Jokic has never exactly been agile, but he makes up for it to some degree with canny positioning, quick meat-hook hands, and voracious rebounding. Awkward appearances aside, the Nuggets have always been stingier with Jokic on the floor.
They still are, per NBA.com. But Jokic is barely moving. He paws at bodies as they fly around him, like a toddler reaching for bubbles.”
. . . even by his mopey standards–funny stuff
. . . like a toddler reaching for bubbles–even more funny
Imagine if Lowe wrote about national politics. He could probably do the seemingly impossible, find some humor in our downward spiral. And thereby earn the nation’s gratitude.
Budget warm up. Pelosi, “If I start with five and take away four, how many are we left with?” Pence, “Math is stupid. You never use it in real life. Please Lord, don’t let her call on me.”
Thank you Andy Borowitz for keeping things light.
1. Trump Unable to Stop Caravan of Democratic Women Invading Washington.
2. Putin Loses Control of the House.
3. Trump Strips Citizenship from Children of Immigrants, Thus Disqualifying Himself from Presidency.
By Age 35
Earlier this month, Marketwatch published an article stating that by 35 years old, a person should have twice their salary saved for retirement.
In my view, an imminently sensible goal, but the Millennial blowback on Twitter was fast, furious, and funny. You know what “they” say, goals should be achievable.
Cases in point:
- By age 35 you should have at least one fork in your cutlery drawer that you just don’t like, and actively frown at if you accidentally grab it.
- By age 35 you should have a huge box of cables but you can’t throw them out because you’re pretty sure you still need a couple of them but you’re not sure which ones.
- By age 35 you should have a kitchen cabinet dedicated entirely to plastic bags that contain other, smaller plastic bags.
- By age 35 you should have approximately 10 times the existential dread you had when you graduated high school.
- Listen. Meghan Markle wasn’t a duchess til age 36 so stop telling me what I should have by age 35.
- By age 35, you should have hoarded more books than any human could possibly read in three lifetimes.*
- By age 35, you should have a big bag of socks that have no matches that you are afraid to throw even one of them away because as soon as you do, you’ll run into its match.
- By age 35 you should stop paying attention to condescending life advice from strangers writing think pieces.
- By age 35 you should have a shitload of books. Some of them you have read and are too sentimental to give away. Others (you know in your heart) you will never read and yet you will keep these as well. All of these books have followed you through multiple moves.*
- By age 35 you should have one pair of jeans you like and a four shirt rotation.
- By age 35 you should be able to re-watch Bridget Jones and think ‘You’re only 30 and you manage to afford to live alone?’
- By age 35 you should have a list of documentaries you tell people you want to watch but you don’t watch them because you just never feel like you’re in the right mood.
Go ahead, give it a go, by age 35. . .