Tag Archives: humor

Raye For The Win

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Infectious beat. Funny lyrics.

Baby (whoo-hoo), where the hell is my husband? (Whoo-hoo)
What is taking him so long (whoo-hoo) to find me?
Oh, baby, where the hell is my lover?
Getting down with another? (Whoo-hoo, yeah)
Tell him if you see him, baby, if you see him, tell him, tell him
(He should holler)

Why is this beautiful man waiting for me to get old?
Why he already testing my patience?
I only fear he’s taking time with other women that ain’t me
While I’ve been reviewing applications
Wait ’til I get my hands on him, I’ma tell him off too
For how long he kept mе waiting, anticipating
Praying to the Lord to give him to my loving arms
And despite my frustrations

And he must need me (he must need me)
Completely (completely)
How my heart yearns for him
Is he far away? (Is he far away?)
Is he okay? (Is he okay?)
This man is testing me, uh-huh, uh-huh
Uh, help me, help me, help me, Lord
I need you to tell me

Baby (whoo-hoo), where the hell is my husband? (Whoo-hoo)
What is taking him so long (whoo-hoo) to find me?
Oh, baby, where the hell is my lover?
Getting down with another? (Whoo-hoo, yeah)
Tell him if you see him, baby, if you see him, tell him, tell him
(He should holler)

I’m doing lonely acrobatics, unzipping my dress at 2 a.m.
And I’m tired of living like this
He must be out there getting ready, tryna fix up his tie
Uh, huh-huh, uh, hello? This where your wife is
Wait ’til I get your heart going, I’ma turn it up too
For how much I’m ’bout to love ya, no one above ya
Praying to the Lord to hurry, hurry you along
Baby, I intend to rush ya

And he must need me (he must need me)
Completely (completely)
How my heart yearns for him
Is he far away? (Is he far away?)
Is he okay? (Is he okay?)
This man is testing me, uh-huh, uh-huh
Uh, help me, help me, help me, Lord
I need you to tell me

Baby (whoo-hoo), where the hell is my husband? (Whoo-hoo)
What is taking him so long (whoo-hoo) to find me?
Oh, baby, where the hell is my lover?
Getting down with another? (Whoo-hoo, yeah)
Tell him if you see him, baby, if you see him, tell him, tell him
(He should holler)

T-t-t-t-tell him I’m mm, tell him I’m mm with the mm, mm, mm
Tell him I’m kind, tell him I’m 5’5″
Tell him I got brown eyes and a growing fear
That if he doesn’t find me now, I’m gonna die alone, so can he
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, hurry up here, sir?
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, huh
I want it, want it, want it, want it, want it

I would like a ring, I would like a ring
I would like a diamond ring on my wedding finger
I would like a big and shiny diamond
That I could wave around and talk and talk about it
And when the day is here, forgive me, God, that I could ever doubt it
Until death, I do, I do, I do, I-
Is he about it, ’bout it, ’bout it?
This man is testing me, uh-huh, uh-huh
Uh, help me, help me, help me, Lord
I need you to tell me

Baby (whoo-hoo), where the hell is my husband? (Whoo-hoo)
What is taking him so long (whoo-hoo) to find me?
Oh, baby, where the hell is my lover?
Getting down with another? (Whoo-hoo, yeah)
Tell him that my grandma said it, tell him grandma said it
(Your husband is coming)

I would like a ring, I would like a ring
I would like a diamond ring on my wedding finger
I would like a big and shiny (ooh) diamond (yes), diamond (yes)
Diamond (yes), diamond (yes), diamond (yes), oh
Where is my husband? (Ah)

“Don’t Look Up”

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A close friend asked my opinion on Netflix’s newest BIG budget film with an all-star cast.

Before watching “Don’t Look Up” I heard some of the buzz including the fact that half of people loved it and half hated it.

I’m firmly in the first camp, in fact, it’s easily among my favorite films of the year, if not the very best. At first, as I sat on my indoor bike as the credits rolled, I couldn’t imagine what the negative nellies were thinking, then it dawned on me. The film is a brilliant, hilarious satire of popular culture, but especially of our political landscape’s right wing. For the Pro-Trump, anti-vax, “Make America Great Again” viewers it had to have hit WAY too close to home. As is written in the Torah, “We see things not as they are, but as we are.”

At almost two and half hours, one reviewer who liked it said it was too long. He’s wrong, there are no lulls, it’s non-stop searing social commentary from the drop.

It’s also scary as hell. Not because of the asteroid heading towards earth, but because it feels like a highly credible glimpse into our near-term future as a deeply divided nation. The filmmakers predict our future is one where exorbitantly wealthy and deeply flawed individuals have a disproportionate effect on public life; politicians and scientists are powerless in light of those individuals; and things go from bad to worse with regards to social and traditional media.

Is it too late to emigrate to Canada? Is the border between our countries a sufficient defense against the downward spiral depicted in “Don’t Look Up”?

Some on Twitter would take exception to me labeling it a satire. They’re arguing it’s a science fiction film since Leonardo DiCaprio is married to an “age-appropriate” woman.

Must maintain a sense of humor.

Clickbait

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Sprawled out on beach towels at bucolic Tolmie State Park, the twenty something daughters  explain the concept of “clickbait” to their Sexty Sixty momsie.

“I follow a photographer mom’s blog who often titles her posts something like “We’re Having A Baby. Just to get you to click on it. But then you quickly find out that they’re ‘talking about maybe having another baby sometime or not'”.

Which got me thinking about the humble blog. Given the late summer doldrums, maybe it needs a jolt of clickbait. Why fight the fake news, maybe I should just Sheryl Sandberg into it. So look for upcoming posts tentatively titled. . .

  • My Brush With Death
  • The President Called Me About Afghanistan
  • I’m Starting My Own Business
  • I Dunked On Rudy Gobert
  • I Had Two Holes-In-One In One Round
  • I Hacked Rate-My-Professor
  • We’re Having A Baby

Shame On Me

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For referencing this website. I promise it’s a one-off. This last paragraph is just too humorous.

“‘What gets me is the guts the guy had to just walk in like he belonged,’ said the security source. ‘He must have been a cool customer in the McKay Center. If he hadn’t tried to return punts at practice, he might still be out there because they might not have noticed him.'”

Saturday Long Run Press Conference

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CNN reporter: Strava shows you ran 9.6 miles in 1:17 for an average of 8:02/mile. What would you say to the American people who are afraid that you’re getting old and slow, now nothing more than a sad “hobby jogger”?

Me: I say that you’re a terrible reporter, that’s what I say. I think that’s a very nasty question and I think it’s a very bad signal that you’re putting out to the American people that I’m older and slower. The American people are looking for answers and they’re looking for hope. And you’re doing sensationalism and the same with NBC and Concast. I don’t call it Comcast, I call it ‘Concast.’ That’s really bad reporting, you ought to get back to reporting instead of sensationalism.

OANN reporter: How do you run so far, so fast?

Me: I love whoever you’re with. Because that’s such a nice question. I think you write fairly and do very fair reports. A lot of people always ask me, how do you run so far, so fast? I tell them I don’t know, I guess I just have a natural ability.

NBC reporter: How would you assess today’s performance?

Me: When you hear the number of miles I’m running and the pace, it’s incredible. And I’ve heard a lot of governors say the same thing. People are saying I’m doing a great job, the best job anyone’s ever done.

FOX reporter: What makes you such an incredible runner?

Me: Really lots of things, but what no one gives me credit for is when I first heard we were running, I immediately jumped on the stationary bike and got the blood flowing against many people’s advice. No one reports that. But I did, I got right on the stationary bike. Many exercise scientists—and I’ve read, many, many exercise scientists—can’t believe the great job that I’m doing.IMG_5669.jpg

 

 

Kind Of A Waste

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Sometimes I come across really talented writers who write about things of limited significance. I can’t help but imagine what they might accomplish if they traded up subject matter.

Case in point. Zach Lowe, ESPN Senior basketball writer. Dig his description of Denver Nugget Center Nikola Jokic‘s early season play.

“He is pouting more even by his mopey standards: waving his arms in frustration at inaccurate passes, and slapping opponents to stop play after what he considers bad calls.

We haven’t even addressed defense. Jokic has never exactly been agile, but he makes up for it to some degree with canny positioning, quick meat-hook hands, and voracious rebounding. Awkward appearances aside, the Nuggets have always been stingier with Jokic on the floor.

They still are, per NBA.com. But Jokic is barely moving. He paws at bodies as they fly around him, like a toddler reaching for bubbles.”

. . . even by his mopey standards–funny stuff

. . . like a toddler reaching for bubbles–even more funny

Imagine if Lowe wrote about national politics. He could probably do the seemingly impossible, find some humor in our downward spiral. And thereby earn the nation’s gratitude.